If we’re friends in the flesh, then you may have heard me go off on one of these rants before. Call it therapy in anticipation of our move, but I have a few things about North Carolina I want to get off my chest. And because Southerners like to believe everything’s better if you coat it in sugar or butter it up, I’ve followed each with a counterpoint extolling what I love about this state.

1. The sky is not Carolina Blue.

I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, Tarheel fans, but the sky is the same color everywhere you go, and that color is not Carolina Blue. It’s called sky blue, and that’s because it existed well before the University of North Carolina was a speck in dear old William R. Davies’ eye. You do not have a patent on the color of the sky, and it’s darn obnoxious that you think you do.

1a. Your House Divided bumper stickers are pretty cute.

I love it when couples antagonize each other, and there’s no better way to observe that than during a basketball game with split Duke and UNC allegiances among the hosts. What’s even cuter is that NC State fans actually think they are UNC’s rivals. It makes me want to rub the whole Wolfpack’s heads with condescending pats.

2. Get some damn streetlights.

And while you’re at it, throw in some sidewalks and lane reflectors, too. Driving at night here is a guessing game—is that a lane divider over there or is it more construction on Davis Dr.? Who knows?! It’s too damn dark to see. Don’t even try and read the street signs. In fact, maybe you should just avoid traveling at night, especially if it’s raining. Turn on your brights, and all you’ll get are reflections in the puddles of water washing over the asphalt. There is a resistance to night pollution in this state. For all you city folk, night pollution is the collective effect that electronic lighting has on our ability to see stars. I’ll take being alive over seeing stars any day. Pun intended.

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